SEEING IONE Query Critique

OR

A Tale of Social Awkwardness, Cute Boys with Powers,
and the Loneliness of Being the Last of Your Kind

Original:

Dear Agent:

Twenty-year-old Ione McCreery knows exactly how you feel. She can see it like a billboard advertisement.

Her freakish ability makes her socially awkward and keeps her leery of most people. She has all but resigned herself to secluded ranch life when Adric Silverman tracks her down and changes everything.

Ione is drawn to Adric. Despite the trepidation she feels about getting involved with a mysterious man who appears out of thin-air knowing more about her than he should, her second sight assures her he is safe. She discovers Adric has answers about her abilities, and unique powers of his own. He is part of an entire community of elite races, each line with a specific set of gifts. Now, for the first time in her life, she doesn’t have to pretend to be normal. 

When scores of people with powers like Adric start dying, including his twin sister, he asks Ione to use her sight to help him find the killer. She must trust Adric and his comrades to teach her to use her emotional sight like a weapon. Her expanding abilities reveal she is more powerful than anyone expected. She is believed to be the last of a line known as the Seers. But, if Ione can’t learn to control her sight instead of allowing it to overtake her, she will be the end of the line. Time is running out. The longer she takes to learn to control her sight, the more time the killer has to attack. Ione fears she and her friends could be next.

SEEING IONE (61,200) is a supernatural new adult novel with elements of romance. It is a stand alone with series potential. ***Researched information specific to agent any why I’m submitting to him/her. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Here we go:

Dear Agent:

Twenty-year-old Ione McCreery can sense the emotions of those around her—she can see them like a billboard advertisement. This hook is lacking something. This information about Ione is interesting, but your hook lacks punch.

Her ability brands her as a freak and social reject. She’s all but resigned herself to a secluded ranch life when Adric Silverman tracks her down and changes everything.

Ione is drawn to Adric. Obvious. Despite the trepidation she feels about getting involved with a mysterious man who appears out of thin-air knowing more about her than he should, her second sight assures her he is safe. She discovers Adric tells Ione she may be the last of a bloodline known as Seers. He is part of an entire community of elite races, each line with a specific set of gifts. Now, for the first time in her life, she doesn’t have to pretend to be normal.

When scores of people with powers like Adric start dying, including his twin sister, he asks Ione to use her sight to help him find the killer. She must trust Adric and his comrades to teach her to use her emotional sight like a weapon. Her expanding abilities reveal she is more powerful than anyone expected. She is believed to be the last of a line known as the Seers. But, if Ione can’t learn to control her sight instead of allowing it to conrol her, she might be the last of the Seers. Time is running out. The longer Ione takes to control her sight, the more time the killer has to massacre her people. Ione fears she and her friends could be next. See notes below.

SEEING IONE (60,000) is a supernatural new adult novel with elements of romance. It is a standalone with series potential. ***Researched information specific to agent any why I’m submitting to him/her. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This query is almost there.

 

I want to make a couple of suggestions. There is a lot of filtering in this query (i.e. she discovers, she must, she fears). Watch out for that. A lot of the time it’s not something you notice, but taking those filter words out creates a much stronger query.

I took out several lines where I felt you were giving just too much information for the query to read naturally. I also moved some lines around to condense the paragraphs. 

As far as the conclusion of the last paragraph goes, I think you should go one way or the other with it. EITHER: Adric and his comrades teach her to use her emotional sight like a weapon. The longer Ione takes to control her sight, the more time the killer has to massacre her people. [You need a stronger ending to make me turn to the first page.] OR: Adric and his comrades teach her to use her emotional sight like a weapon. But if Ione can’t learn to control her sight instead of allowing it to control her, [List your stakes here RE the killer and the murder of the elite races.] 

The killer and Ione being the last of her race seemed like two separate ideas to me. Focus on one or the other. I also felt like maybe Ione would FEEL a little bit more about these people being killed. 

This has a lot of potential and I can’t wait to see the finished product. 

Thanks for sharing. 

Love, 

The Query Faerie

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2 thoughts on “SEEING IONE Query Critique

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