A HOLLYWOOD ADVENTURE Query Critique

 OR 

A Tale of How a Synopsis is Not a Query

 

Original: 

A Hollywood Adventure

Or

A Tale of Talent and intrigue,
Movie making in the Grand Manner,
And the Triumph of Love over Adversity

 

The Prologue:  In Old Mexico before the Revolution, Juan and Jose are deep in the jungle north of the River Hondo, on the run from the bandit El Tigre to hide a horde of Mayan gold that has already cost many lives. 

As the story opens, Celeste, blond and gorgeous starlet, and Reggie, handsome screen writer, and scion of an old English family are poolside at their home in Long Beach, California. Ferociously ambitious, Celeste is on her way to an Oscar. At parties, jealousy, and hours on the set, they are professionals at work and playing for keeps. Cooper, their director, is from California pioneer stock and Hollywood to the core. He is betting the ranch on the rebirth of the Western with the film, The Drifter and The Cowgirl. 

The film is a story within the story.  This is the New Mexico of Wild West, of cattle drives, rustlers and gunslingers. A beautiful young cowgirl must find the grit to keep Dad’s ranch going. A mysterious buckaroo puts his life on the line to help her. 

Post-production, Reggie and Celeste vacation in Mexico, just in time for Dia de los Muertos. During the celebration, they meet Xaco, a powerful bruja. A few days later, examining a heavily carved antique hutch he has bought from an old junk dealer, Reggie makes a dramatic discovery that puts them on the trail that Juan and Jose traveled so many years ago. 

At first, it’s all a great lark.   Reggie, the connoisseur, samples the local wines, and Celeste takes up bird watching, but events take a different turn. After finding the Mayan city they are searching for, they encounter ruthless drug runners and escape in a dugout canoe down the crocodile infested Hondo River, leaving behind the world they know. Reggie and Celeste are faced with life and death as they struggle to overcome the twists of Fate.   

There is a satisfying dénouement that ties up loose ends and everybody gets their just deserts. 

A Hollywood Adventure is a novella, complete at 54,748 words with film script potential. 

Best Regards, 

REDACTED

 

Here we go:

A Hollywood Adventure

Or


A Tale of Talent and intrigue,
Movie making in the Grand Manner,
And the Triumph of Love over Adversity
 

Well, this is interesting. I can only assume this is what you wanted me to include as the introduction? Hopefully you know already that this doesn’t belong in a query. 

The Prologue:  In Old Mexico before the Revolution, Juan and Jose are deep in the jungle north of the River Hondo, on the run from the bandit El Tigre to hide a horde of Mayan gold that has already cost many lives.

As the story opens, Celeste, blond and gorgeous starlet, and Reggie, handsome screen writer, and scion of an old English family are poolside at their home in Long Beach, California. Ferociously ambitious, Celeste is on her way to an Oscar. At parties, jealousy, and hours on the set, they are professionals at work and playing for keeps. Cooper, their director, is from California pioneer stock and Hollywood to the core. He is betting the ranch on the rebirth of the Western with the film, The Drifter and The Cowgirl.

The film is a story within the story.  This is the New Mexico of Wild West, of cattle drives, rustlers and gunslingers. A beautiful young cowgirl must find the grit to keep Dad’s ranch going. A mysterious buckaroo puts his life on the line to help her.

Post-production, Reggie and Celeste vacation in Mexico, just in time for Dia de los Muertos. During the celebration, they meet Xaco, a powerful bruja. A few days later, examining a heavily carved antique hutch he has bought from an old junk dealer, Reggie makes a dramatic discovery that puts them on the trail that Juan and Jose traveled so many years ago.

At first, it’s all a great lark.   Reggie, the connoisseur, samples the local wines, and Celeste takes up bird watching, but events take a different turn. After finding the Mayan city they are searching for, they encounter ruthless drug runners and escape in a dugout canoe down the crocodile infested Hondo River, leaving behind the world they know. Reggie and Celeste are faced with life and death as they struggle to overcome the twists of Fate.  

There is a satisfying dénouement that ties up loose ends and everybody gets their just deserts.

A HOLLYWOOD ADVENTURE is a genre? novella, This is too long to be a novella. Either it’s a novel or cut 6,000 words complete at 55,000 words with film script potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

REDACTED

You’ve sent me a synopsis, not a query.

A query should be between 250 and 300 words. It should begin with a hook that captures the reader’s attention. There should be two small paragraphs telling us a short summary of the novel’s plot. Then comes the logline and bio, if you have publishing experience.

There’s some good writing here and it sounds like an interesting story. However, I can’t write the query for you. Resubmit an actual query to me and I will critique it.

Love, 

The Query Faerie

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