A CURIOUS HOSTAGE Query Critique

OR

A Tale of Saviors, Spies,

Semi-colons, and Secret Identities

The original:

Arielle Platinum will never forget prom night. Not because it was in an old vintage Victorian house, or even that she was attacked by her prom date. She can’t forget the Jason Hampton; a jockey classmate saved her, that night.

Now, six years later, Arielle lives a solitary life in Massachusetts, surrounded only by the walls of her house and work. When she reunites with an old classmate, Jason Hampton.She finds herself drawn to him despite the fact that she has seen him murder a go-go dancer in cold blood. Therefore, she is exhortative to learn more about, why he saved her six years ago.

Jason receives a call from his Boss who wants him to capture a mob boss by the name of Stollen, and recover a Code that could start World War III. For her safety he convinces Arielle to come with him, but she doesn’t realize just what she’s getting herself in to.

Then, Stollen kidnaps Arielle and exposes Jason’s true identity, but leaves one important detail out.

Now, Jason is forced to choose between saving the world or Arielle; his forbidden love. Meanwhile, Arielle must decide to uncover the final puzzle piece upon why Jason saved her during prom, or stay with Jason, even after discovering who he truly is.

 

Arielle Platinum will never forget prom night. Not because it was in an old vintage Victorian house, or even because she was attacked by her prom date. She can’t forget Jason Hampton, the jock that saved her.

Now, six years later, How old is she? Arielle lives a solitary life in Massachusetts, surrounded only by the walls of her house and work. Then she reunites with an old classmate, Jason Hampton. Space here She finds herself drawn to him despite the fact that she has seen him murder a go-go dancer in cold blood. Therefore, she is Let’s just use “eager” here. to learn more about no comma here why he saved her six years ago.

Jason receives a call from his Boss who wants him to capture a mob boss by the name of Stollen, and recover a Code that could start World War III. For her safety he convinces Arielle to come with him, but she doesn’t realize just what she’s getting herself in to.

Then, Stollen kidnaps Arielle and exposes Jason’s true identity, but leaves one important detail out.

Now, Jason is forced to choose between saving the world or Arielle comma, not semi-colon his forbidden love. Meanwhile, Arielle must decide to uncover the final puzzle piece of why Jason saved her during prom, or stay with Jason, even after discovering who he truly is. 

Be sure to put your title and word count here, and thank the agent for their time.

I have read this query before and it has improved leaps and bound since the last time I saw it. However, it still isn’t working for me.

The hook is pretty good. But in the second paragraph, I’m wondering why this girl would agree to tag along with a murderer. Unless she has a good reason, it just isn’t believable. How does she reunite with Jason, and why does he kill the dancer? My reaction to a companion killing a woman wouldn’t be, “Gosh, I wonder why he saved me six years ago.” It would be to get the hell out of there because I am NOT going to be next.

The switch from Arielle’s POV to Jason’s is abrupt. The spy stuff came out of nowhere. The rest of the query is too vague. What is Jason’s true identity? What detail is left out?  Why is Arielle wondering why Jason saved her from being attacked? Is it not enough that he was simply passing by, saw a woman in distress, and saved her out of his own good will? You’re hinting at a secret, but I don’t quite comprehend what’s going on. 

The overall plot is mostly clear to me: Girl meets up with high school friend, dude is now a secret agent, bad things happen, he must protect her from his true identity. If Jason doesn’t succeed, WW3 will begin. I’m wondering if you shouldn’t just tell this from Jason’s POV, and then at the end mention that it’s narrated in alternating POVs. His story is where the conflict really seems to be. Queries told from multiple POVs are typically harder to write, IMO.

As always, remember to answer the fundamental questions: 1) Who is the MC? 2) What do they want? 3) What stands in their way? 4) What must they do to overcome that obstacle? And 5) What will they lose if they can’t accomplish what they need to? 

Feel free to revise and resubmit.

 

Love, 

The Query Faerie

 

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2 thoughts on “A CURIOUS HOSTAGE Query Critique

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