DAUGHTER OF LILITH Query Critique

OR

A Tale of Demons, Brainwashing, Love-Struck

Preacher Boys, and Finding Your Own Way

Here we go:

Dear  SuperAgent Person :

Sixteen-year-old Ariel is a daughter of Lilith, the biblical first wife of Adam.  As a half-demon, she rips souls from the living as casually as humans orders coffee at Starbucks.

Her upbringing brainwashed Ariel into believing all humans are a worthless blight on the world.  But when a car accident leaves her stranded, a minister’s son, Mike Flannery, goes beyond the call of duty to help.

Getting to know him, she sees he isn’t the filthy slime her demonic teachers lectured.  Discovering she’s been used to carry out her mother’s petty vendetta against humanity, she refuses to be their puppet any longer.  She ditches her family and soul ripping, vowing never again to let them manipulate her. 

Mike’s infatuation leads him to help her escape her old life.  But leaving this family’s business isn’t as easy as giving two-weeks’ notice.  Now the target of a blood hunt, Ariel realizes letting Mike into her life is endangering his.   In order to keep them safe, she must confront the demon who has been pulling her strings, as well as those she still controls – and learn to trust the people she spent her life seeking to destroy. 

Daughter of Lilith is a 71K young adult, paranormal stand alone with series potential. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Sincerely, 

Aspiring Author

 

Dear SuperAgent Person :

Sixteen-year-old Ariel is the daughter of Lilith, a demon that controls Hell, or whathaveyou (the biblical first wife of Adam).  I’m wondering if this part is necessary. The hook is good, but I felt that phrase slowed it down. As a half-demon, she rips souls from the living as casually as humans order coffee at Starbucks. 

Ariel’s upbringing brainwashed her into believing all humans are a worthless blight on the world.  But when a car accident leaves her stranded, a minister’s son, Mike Flannery, goes beyond the call of duty to help.

Getting to know him, she sees he isn’t the filthy slime her demonic teachers claimed all mortals to be.  Discovering she’s been used to carry out her mother’s petty vendetta against humanity, she refuses to be their puppet any longer.  She ditches her family and soul ripping, vowing never again to let them manipulate her. 

Mike’s infatuation leads him to help her escape her old life.  But leaving this family’s business isn’t as easy as giving two-weeks’ notice.  Now the target of a blood hunt, Ariel realizes letting Mike into her life is endangering his. In order to keep them safe, she must confront the demon who has been pulling her strings, as well as those she still controls Those what? Demons she controls? And that WHO controls? Lilith? It’s not clear from the way this is phrased. – and learn to trust the people she spent her life seeking to destroy. 

DAUGHTER OF LILITH is a 71,000 word young adult no comma here paranormal stand alone with series potential. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Sincerely,

Aspiring Author

I think this is pretty close to being where it needs to be. The voice is there—good job. I know who the MC is. I know that she wants to leave the family business of soul ripping, but her lovely Ma won’t let her go without a fight. My main issue is in the last paragraph. What are they going to do to get themselves out of this situation? The answer to that question was a little vague: they are going to confront Lilith and her demon pals. I think the solution to their problem needs to be more specific than that. “In order to keep themselves alive, Ariel must kill her mother/seal her mother in a magicked vault forever—easier said than done.” Ooooor whatever works for your plot. Also, there are a few places where there are several spaces after a period. 

Other than that, good job! This is looking pretty good. 

Thanks for sharing. 

Love, 

The Query Faerie

 

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